General Election Roundup: February 18th

One Week Out.

The buzzword this week is 'Overall Majority'. Enda and crew, coming off a brace of debates in which Enda Did Not Make a Fool Of Himself, that is to say a pair of glorious victories, are looking into the home stretch with a real chance of forming the next government alone, or with the help of a few independents. If the People want a red tinge to the next government, they had better go and vote Labour.

Not to say that Gilmore necessarily deserves it. His attempt to position Labour as the stronger partner in the hoped for coalition has not payed off. The posters reading just 'Gilmore for Taoiseach', seem hopelessly naive. Boggling as it may be to accept, Enda has played a smart game, not engaging with his rivals and instead simply pushing policy at every opportunity. There seems a sense in the country now that Fine Gael are the party with ideas and competence, in addition to presumably a bag of fantastical magic dust that they will use to heal our finances.

Of more concern to Fine Gael is the alleged five billion euro 'hole' in their finance plan. What is the hole? Where did it come from? Is it here to harm us? Can we make use of it's advanced technology? No one seems to know the answer to these questions.

Fianna Fail seem to be going down the ah-sure-it-cant-get-any-worse route, with top ministers, (such as they are) coming out with full throated assaults on the policies of the two opposition parties. This approached farce during one of the debates when Micheal Martin alleged that the Labour party would not cut out corruption and cronyism, with the implication being that Fianna Fail have entrenched it so heavily in the country that none can move it.

The RTÉ debate alternated between astonishing boredom and Gerry Adams' occasional moments of Zen-like idiocy, such as when he explained in depth how you could get seven billion euro out of a three billion euro fund. The answer it seemed, was to establish a 32-counties socialist republic, and go on from there. The nation as a whole got sick a little in their mouths as he talked about 'human misery'. This was the one subject that Gerry was intimately familiar with, having caused liberal amounts of it throughout his long and storied terrorism career. All the while Pat hopped from one candidate to another, mangling the audience's questions into faux man-of-the-people soundbites. The whole thing was just like any other episode of the Frontline, except without even the distraction of a mentally unstable man shouting down everyone else because he wants to talk about the Jews, and he will not stop until he does.

Last week I appealed to any God who would listen for a spark of life to force this election out of the dreary forgone conclusion that it is. It appears I should have gone to Mass more.

General Election Roundup: February 13th

Well here we are. Well into the election campaign we at the PotC have finally roused ourselves to produce an article. The fact that we give our contributers no pay and even less respect sometimes leads to long absences, in which this site goes dark. I have had several angry phone calls from Mr. Prendergast over the last few weeks, which is saying something as he does not own a phone.

The election is at once explosive and inexplicably dull. With the result an almost foregone conclusion, we the People are forced to watch the side games, such as they are.

1. Fine Gael-Labour or Fine Gael-Fine Gael-Fine Gael?

For as long as anyone can remember, we have assumed that the next government would be a coalition of the centrist and centre-leftist of the aforementioned parties. For a time last year the Gilmore evangelists smelled the enticing scent of a Red C poll putting their man in front. Perhaps, they thought, this would be a coalition with rather more Red than Blue, and centre-left solutions would get pride of place at the Oireachtas Dinner Table. However with Labour fading in the polls slightly, and Fine Gael experiencing a bizarre and unexpected surge, the opposite may be true. While the actual odds of a Fine Gael majority are still slim, if Kenny pulls something spectacular in the endgame, or Gilmore is found snorting powdered kitten, the future could yet be blue.

2. Will we get fooled again?

Barely a week into the tenure of Micheal Martin and his 'Fianna Fail Nua' party, they had already experienced a modest recovery in support. The sensible among us gasped, surely we are smart enough to see past the thin veil of palaver and flim-flam that the magician from cork had spun? Surely we would not retreat back to the corrosive swamp that is Fianna Fail? Time will, of course, tell.

3. How farcical will Sinn Fein become, and will we vote for them anyway?

Sinn Fein, having ostensibly traded their Armalites for extra large ballot boxes, are throwing themselves head first into the churning seas of real policy. However it appears that the Sinn Fein brain trust is comprised of a number of uneducated former terrorists, possibly assisted by a balaclava-ed mannequin draped in a tricolour. After producing a ten-point plan rife with both policies defying the laws of nature and more typos than a drunk man's text message, each of the Sinn Fein bigwigs had a competition to see who could appear more foolish and out-of-their-depth in the national media. The polling however, does not suggest any dip in support as a result of this pseudo-socialist carnival, so perhaps we are forced to conclude that the people who vote for Sinn Fein are not the sort to let petty things like reality get in the way of their fantastical 32 counties pipe dream.

4. Will the election be hijacked by Abortion and the Irish Language?

In the last number of days we have been requested to vote for neither Fine Gael nor Labour, on the basis that they will murder our national language and our unborn, respectively. While you may question the relevant of issues like the teaching of the Irish language in the face of such commanding economic issues, it appears some do not. Whatever your views on the future of our native tongue, I would implore you not to listen to the hysterical voices of those who view tin whistles as more important than emigration.

As to the abortion issue, all that needs to be said is that the accusers are the IONA institute. I think Labour are safe.

5. Debates?

We have already had a single debate, such as it was. With Enda sitting this one out, it quickly became a forum for Martin to show off what a great speaker he is, and why you should pay no attention to the man behind the curtain, particularly when that man is Willie O Dea, returned to the FF front bench. Enda, bizarrely, came off well as he avoided the pummeling that Gilmore received and had only to face a bearded shouting man, angry at someone or about something, it wasn't quite clear.

The election takes place in less than two weeks. Here at the People of This Country, we are still waiting for the spark that will turn this genteel contest into a rollicking punch-up, with hopefully some pie-in-the-face, fight-up-a-telephone-pole action. Roll on February 25th.

2010: Heroes and Villains

Dear Friends,

Here we are, at the end of the first year of this little project. We have at times had some laughs. But it's also fair to say that there have been times this year when we have become more angry than we ever thought possible. 2010 was by no one's standards a good year. It saw both the destruction of Irish sovereignty and the death of Irish hopes. From the Brian's to the Chilean Miners, we highlight ten people who defined this year, for good or ill.

Heroes

5) The Rubberbandits

A late incluson into the list, these Limerick based jokers proved that there is in fact no level of satire at which there will not be a moral panic on Joe Duffy's Liveline. They are just now reaching the apex of their popularity, as their lament 'Horse Outside' is slated to be Ireland's Christmas Number One (Editors note: Sadly, that awful Matt Cardle thing won instead). Not to mention their biggest fan, this fine fellow: 

The mustachioed former minister called them 'hilariously funny' and and that they filled him with 'great pride about the fact that two local lads, who are obviously very intelligent and very, very musically orientated and can be very, very funny, have the prospect of topping the charts at Christmas and beating the guy who won 'The X Factor'. An appearance on the Late Late Show, as well as a star turn explaining the intricacies of metaphor and satire to bewildered Liveline listeners, and Blindboy Boat Club and Mr.Chrome are on top of the world. 


Well, Limerick anyway.


4) Julian Assange 

This entry represents a startling 'chas timpeall' on the part of the People of this Country team. While Initially we felt that Mr.Assange and his Wikileaks were being reckless in their airing of various nations dirty laundry, and that people lives may be at risk, these fears turned out to be unfounded. Furthermore, the leaks implicated one Gerry Adams in the 2004 bank robbery. Now of course we all knew that the bold Gerry and his mate Martin were fully aware of this little caper, but it was extremely nice to see it all laid out in black and white. We tip our collective hats to you, Julian, even if you are in a spot of 'tribloid' with the law at the moment (or more accurately, with the CIA).

3) The Chilean Miners


Since the days of 9/11 we have had the phenomenon known as the rolling news story. Whether it's a flood, an earthquake or a coup you can always turn on Sky News to find that there is a story 'breaking' for about three weeks or so. Not until this wonderful tale was there such thing as a positive rolling story. As each one was lifted to safety (and book deals) the collective world cheered. Now there's a government that works.


2) Angry People 


From Pat Rabbitte to that fella in Canada. From cement mixers to cherry-pickers. From Liveline to the Frontline, the best People of this Country were those who just plain went mental. For a year of such awfulness, we saw precious little protest, and the only people who did protest were doing it out of their own self interest. The visceral anger was cathartic when it happened, and we need a lot more of it next year.


1) Mary Byrne 


The top spot had to be reserved for Ballyfermot's favourite daughter. In a year with so much bleakness and awful tidings Mary provided a glimmer of hope. Just a glimmer. I myself have never watched the X Factor, but I was assured by my colleague J. Murtagh that Mary was quote 'absolutely amazing so she was and there were people saying that she wasn't a good singer and that she wasn't cut out for this but she proved them wrong and fair play to Louis I dont normally like him but sure he's better than that Simon Cowell and don't get me started on Cheryl Cole...'. It continues in that vein for some time. WE wanted people to vote for mary, and they did, and here she is. I award her the Official People of This Country Gold Medal of Heroism for the year 2010. Hats off to this wonderful 'callín'.


Villains


5) The Guys who Killed the Kangaroo


Disgusting. Utterly disgusting. This was during that period of this year that Irish news went completely off the rails. Suddenly it was impossible to tell the Metro Herald from the Onion as tales of Animal abuse and insanity ran rampant in the Irish psyche. None was more disgraceful that this case, in which a number of men killed a kangaroo by feeding it ecstasy and alcohol at a deranged 'party'. What more can be said about this group of reprobates that has not already been splashed across countless tabloids. Scum. 


4) George Lee


Lest We Forget. It seems a long time ago now that little boy George decided that his big brother Enda wasn't letting him play with his toys, and walked the plank of the S.S. Fine Gael. Mixed metaphors aside, George Lee's journey from bust-predicting wonderboy to washed up never-been was both magnificently quick and painfully disillusioning. There will be no easy exits from this economic black pit we find ourselves in, and no Moses to bring us to any promised land. George's retreat to the safe haven of RTE proved that no matter how incompetent the current crop of politicians is, they are not about to be displaced by a weedy bespectacled interloper on holidays from his real job.


3) Everyone Except Mary Byrne on the X-Factor


Cher for getting voted ahead of Mary. Katie for being Katie. Matt for winning and still being shite. Rebecca for not winning when she should have. One Direction for their crude remarks to Matt. Simon for doubting Mary. Louis for calling everyone a star and not just Mary. The people for not voting for MARY.


2) Michael Lowry and Jackie Healy-Rae 


Some fiddled while Rome burned. Others tried to sell their buckets of water for a few pieces of silver. While this country went farther and farther down the tubes all these two CLOWNS cared about was their potholes and their Shanghai-on-Shannon Casinos. There were many this year who disgraced the office of TD but perhaps none more so than this pair of rural chancers who thought to prostitute their votes to the highest bidder. People of Kerry South, I implore you, when the little mini-me version of Jackie goes up this spring, send him and his flat cap back where they came from. 


1) The Brians


Lenihan and Cowen. Not since Laurel and Hardy have a couple made such an unholy bags of a job they were handed. What can you really say about Brian and Brian Eile? At the beginning of this year, things were bad. Now, things are far worse. In between there was the Magnificent Growing Bailout, The Eternal Corner Turn and of course, the country was pawned a few weeks ago. These two messers will go down as the worst partnership in the country's history, and even now they cling to power like the political barnacles that they are. Out out out the country cries, but still we are stuck in a bizarre interregnum, in which a government with support in single digits still holds sway. A spring election will deliver its verdict, but until then, we must wait. 


(J.Murtagh provided additional coverage)

SUU KYI BAILOUT GERRY ADAMS X-FACTOR FIX

We the People of This Country are Disgusted,

Jesus Christ holy Mary mother of God that Louis Walsh and his cohorts are making an absolute mockery of the People of This Country with Wagner and that awful wan Katie still in it they're only trying to annoy us and they're gerrymandering the X-Factor votes to make more money isn't it awful and Gerry Adams running for election in Louth now just when we thought Dail Eireann was as big a sham and a joke as it could ever be in swans himself but fair play to Aung San Suu Kyi she's been in there an awfully long time fair dues when she was put away Ireland was in what WE THOUGHT was the worst recession there could ever be and isn't it shocking awful luck to be set free when the economy everywhere is in such a terrible state she'd have been well advised to keep her head down a few more years until it all calms down a bit.