The election is at once explosive and inexplicably dull. With the result an almost foregone conclusion, we the People are forced to watch the side games, such as they are.
1. Fine Gael-Labour or Fine Gael-Fine Gael-Fine Gael?
For as long as anyone can remember, we have assumed that the next government would be a coalition of the centrist and centre-leftist of the aforementioned parties. For a time last year the Gilmore evangelists smelled the enticing scent of a Red C poll putting their man in front. Perhaps, they thought, this would be a coalition with rather more Red than Blue, and centre-left solutions would get pride of place at the Oireachtas Dinner Table. However with Labour fading in the polls slightly, and Fine Gael experiencing a bizarre and unexpected surge, the opposite may be true. While the actual odds of a Fine Gael majority are still slim, if Kenny pulls something spectacular in the endgame, or Gilmore is found snorting powdered kitten, the future could yet be blue.
2. Will we get fooled again?
Barely a week into the tenure of Micheal Martin and his 'Fianna Fail Nua' party, they had already experienced a modest recovery in support. The sensible among us gasped, surely we are smart enough to see past the thin veil of palaver and flim-flam that the magician from cork had spun? Surely we would not retreat back to the corrosive swamp that is Fianna Fail? Time will, of course, tell.
3. How farcical will Sinn Fein become, and will we vote for them anyway?
Sinn Fein, having ostensibly traded their Armalites for extra large ballot boxes, are throwing themselves head first into the churning seas of real policy. However it appears that the Sinn Fein brain trust is comprised of a number of uneducated former terrorists, possibly assisted by a balaclava-ed mannequin draped in a tricolour. After producing a ten-point plan rife with both policies defying the laws of nature and more typos than a drunk man's text message, each of the Sinn Fein bigwigs had a competition to see who could appear more foolish and out-of-their-depth in the national media. The polling however, does not suggest any dip in support as a result of this pseudo-socialist carnival, so perhaps we are forced to conclude that the people who vote for Sinn Fein are not the sort to let petty things like reality get in the way of their fantastical 32 counties pipe dream.
4. Will the election be hijacked by Abortion and the Irish Language?
In the last number of days we have been requested to vote for neither Fine Gael nor Labour, on the basis that they will murder our national language and our unborn, respectively. While you may question the relevant of issues like the teaching of the Irish language in the face of such commanding economic issues, it appears some do not. Whatever your views on the future of our native tongue, I would implore you not to listen to the hysterical voices of those who view tin whistles as more important than emigration.
As to the abortion issue, all that needs to be said is that the accusers are the IONA institute. I think Labour are safe.
5. Debates?
We have already had a single debate, such as it was. With Enda sitting this one out, it quickly became a forum for Martin to show off what a great speaker he is, and why you should pay no attention to the man behind the curtain, particularly when that man is Willie O Dea, returned to the FF front bench. Enda, bizarrely, came off well as he avoided the pummeling that Gilmore received and had only to face a bearded shouting man, angry at someone or about something, it wasn't quite clear.
The election takes place in less than two weeks. Here at the People of This Country, we are still waiting for the spark that will turn this genteel contest into a rollicking punch-up, with hopefully some pie-in-the-face, fight-up-a-telephone-pole action. Roll on February 25th.
