GERRY RYAN COCAINE CLIMATE THAW

We the People of this Country are Disgusted,

Ah here now the papers today are shouting that Gerry Ryan died of a cocaine overdose and that may well be true but the man has been dead for ages now would you not leave him in peace and I know he was obnoxious and an idiot to do cocaine but surely he's paid the ultimate price and theres no need to plaster his face all over the red tops and sure it's just like that Katie French one except that this time we're practically digging up the man to start our moralizing at him and sure it was great to see a bit of a thaw in the weather just like there was a thaw at that climate conference and sure I don't understand it but it sounds good and the only problem is that theres more snow for next week so maybe we need a bit of climate change here anyway whats for sure is we need a change of government they say that Fianna Fail have given Cowen a vote of confidence well I don't care if Fianna Fail supported Hitler it doesn't mean he has the support of the Country or the People or anyone at all.

SNOW MORE MARY BYRNE

More effing snow sure didn't we all think that it was terrific that we were getting a bit of snow and RTE running their 10-minute snow photo slide show to give us a bit of a break from the gloom or the Gloomtimes as some are calling it aren't we more like themselves in Iceland every day first the banks then the snow what's next for this little isle well this afternoon we'll have the Budget 2011 no better day to have it than on the anniversary of the Pearl Harbour cause that's what it is a bunch of foreigners flying in and ruining our lives but you can't really blame them it was Bertie and the lads who invited them it was only a matter of time and now we have to fix this Country but what doesn't need fixing is that X-Factor cause it's already fixed sure they said they weren't even going to have a sing-off but then Mary Byrne got more votes than they expected and they had to rig the whole thing to get that filthy little shit Cher through but sure it's no surprise the English have been underestimating us from day one well you can kick Mary out of your little competition but she's not going back to work in your Tesco empire if there is one job left in this country that woman should get it and if I had my way it would be the office of An Taoiseach.

Spirit of the Boom: Patio Heaters

Good evening, dear friends. Today I'm happy to announce a new regular feature here on the People of This Country: 'The Spirit of the Boom'. The SotB as we like to call it remembers a time not so long past but one that seems more distant than ever. I am of course referring to the Boomtimes. The Celtic Tiger. Ireland's Economic Miracle. The dream that became a nightmare.

While we here at the PotC rightly decry the horrendous ineptitude and cronyism that made our economy collapse like a poorly built two-up two-down in Lakeview Pine Manor Terrace, that does not stop us from reminiscing about that wonderful time when, to quote one notable commentator: 'We were all millionaires'. I will be presenting tonight's SotB. The column may be written in subsequent weeks by one of our fantastic staff writers, or perhaps by some special guests. I do hope that this feature affords us all some measure of respite from the daily grinding crushing ordeal that is living in Modern Eirinn.

The Spirit of the Boom: Patio Heaters

Tonight we cast our minds back to ages past. To that brief period around 2003 or so, when the People of this Country decided to heat the outdoors.

Yes, truly it was a golden age. A shout went up through the land. While we may not have Mediterranean weather, we could all have Al Fresco parties. The notorious Irish climate no longer intruded on the soirees that were surely our solemn birthright. Hail, rain or 'sneacta' you would be sitting pretty. A quick trip down to Woodies (to hell with it, B and Q, and hang the expense!) would net you a magnificent specimen, in shining silver or glorious green. Resembling a small, metallic, misshapen tree that didn't look anything like a tree, this wonderful machine would render even the most frigid decking a tropical paradise, where one's milieu could sit until the wee hours of the morning, sipping west coast cooler and discussing one's new Bulgarian 'house' (250,000 Euro, plus assorted bribery fees).

Perhaps the thought entered some peoples heads that someday, if we all turned on our heaters at once, and cranked up the power, that we would permanently increase Ireland's temperature, and our quest to become the California of Western Europe would be complete! Then just think of the possibilities! We could have our own version of the Hills! We could wander around in chinos and polo shirts! We could use words like 'Dude' and 'Awesome' and 'Totes'! With this in mind a good number of our more impressionable youth got ahead of themselves, and put the cart somewhat before the horse.

So what killed this Utopian dream? Well it is perhaps tempting to say 'The Recession' and leave it at that. the truth however is more complicated. The proverbial rot had metaphorically set in long before the first cries of 'Bailout' and 'NAMA'. The Patio Heater had the ill fortune to go up against a power far greater than itself. The awesome force of Middle Class Smugness.

The 2000's were the years we all went 'Green'. We cut our carbon footprint and began to 'care' about the earth. Global Warming was on everyone's lips. Now of course this didn't extend to cancelling our dozen or so international flights a year, or installing a functioning public transport system, or seriously investing in an alternative energy infrastructure, or changing our lifestyle habits one tiny little bit, or indeed anything that would make a substantial difference in halting the devastation of Climate Change. No, but god help us if we were to see an incandescent bulb dangling from our ceilings.

A middle aged woman would step out into her friend's garden, and suddenly a smirk would cross her features. 'Oh', she would say, 'you still use a Patio Heater? I suppose you don't care about our children's future.'

Shame. Shame upon you and your 2.5 kids and your Toyota Prius and your CFLs. The next day the patio heater was hidden deep in the recesses of your shed, or consigned forlornly to the skip, along with the fridge which you had decided to replace with an 'American style' version for reasons that never became apparent.

I for one, will mourn it's loss. This noble gas-powered giant kept many a smoker warm in it's all too brief time on this earth. You abandoned your friend because he wasn't cool anymore, and you should all be ashamed of yourselves. Good night, dear Patio Heater. you will be missed.

A Poem, for these dark times.

Good afternoon dear friends. I have returned to you. I wish to share with you a poem, an excerpt from my latest poetry collection: 'Tis Pity She's a Fianna Fail Voter', which will be available from TOD Publishing in time for Christmas. You may not agree with my 'meter' but surely you will agree with the sentiment. I hope you enjoy.

'The Big Freeze.'

The sneactha is falling,

It covers the land.

Our loss of sovereignty galling,

But we need the helping hand.

No man of any party,

Of any creed or race,

Can save us from the bailouts,

Can help us save face.

For the Bankers and the developers,

The Brians one and and all,

Have destroyed this fair Island,

A fate none can stall.

If Ber Cowen were alive today

If his ghost could rise once more,

I know not what he would say,

to see the youth gone by the score.

But his son is the one who doomed us,

This we must not forget,

Some say to throw him under a bus,

Some shake their heads in regret.

The Big Freeze sets in,

There is no end in sight,

There is no way to win,

And this year was frankly shite.

PROTEST MARCH KOREA SNOW

We the People of this Country are Disgusted,

On the streets today the People expressed their anger with the government and Brian Cowen and the rest of them chancers who are putting us under a prison sentence of 6.7% that we'll never pay off and our children's children will still be hammering away at the 92% High Cost Fund Surcharge Maxi Tax in order to pay back the 200 BILLION that we've pawned the country to the IMF for and sure the march was great but what wasn't great was that chancer David Begg you champagne socialist you lay down with Fianna Fail during the boom times and you make a ridiculous wage you should be shunted out along with the rest of them and it's terrible to see us on the front page of every international paper and the only thing to knock us off was the Koreans at each other and god I hope it doesn't turn into something worse that last thing we need is another war and that might be even worse than 13 years under Fianna Fail and things are so bad that the weather has started to copy the mood of the country and Jesus isn't it well cold and just as I'm saying this it's started to snow outside well pretty soon we'll have revolution and war and the overthrow of the government and it'll be exactly like that film Dr.Zhivago.