Morning

It's morning.


Ireland has awoken from an awful dream, covered in metaphorical sweat and with the proverbial duvet hanging from the rhetorical celing fan. The final death throes of this awful regime played out last night as Brian Cowen dropped the ceremonial Disprin into the traditional giant glass of water, thus dissolving the 30th Dáil.


As I wander the streets of my city this morning, a burden seems lifted. Certainly this country is still in crisis. The damage that has been done will not be easily repaired, but at least we can now attempt to 'dig up' rather than widening the hole.


For the first time since 1997 this country is no longer under the sway of a Fianna Fail government. The election to come seems certain to deliver an alternative, whether that be a Fine Gael majority, a Fine Gael-Labour coalition, Labour-ULA, FG-SF or an alliance between the Muslim Brotherhood and the Fathers For Justice Party, for the indefinite future we will not have to look at a grotesque FF parody of what a leader should be.


In my joy this morning I interviewed several 'Members of the Public' for their views on the collapse of Fianna Fail and the Election to come.






Tom Doyle, Assistant Vice President (Self Employed)

I think it's absolutely fantastic. I always hated Brian Cowen and never voted for him. Of course I voted Seamus Brennan in 97' and 02' and 07' but that's because he was great on local issues and sure didn't he die aswell. Who will I vote for now? I don't know, my family would never forgive me if I voted socialist and sure look at your man Enda, would you want him as Taoiseach? Ha! I suppose I just wont vote at all. Or maybe Fathers For Justice down the ticket...

Sister Immaculata Concepta, Nun (Unemployed)

God I wish I could vote for Dev. Maybe a write in ballot for Dev.

Shane Robinson, Homeless Man, (Self Employed)


What? You have to press this one if you're going to Sandyford. Do you have a Euro for a hostel?


Donald Kehoe, Taxi Driver (Borderline Unemployed)

I suppose whatever Independent is the most poorly educated, has the largest criminal record and the least chance of getting in. There's a fella I like in my area who running from his jail cell in Mountjoy. I think he set fire to a Guard or something. 'Put him in to get him out' and all that.


Well, the People have spoken it would appear. They don't want Enda for reasons they can't articulate. They dont want Fianna Fail for reasons too crude to publish. They dont want Labour out of some lingering fear of the Red Menace. The question we ask over the next few weeks is, who do they want?

ONE FOOT IN THE GRAVE

GETOUTGETOUTGETOUTGEOUT

We the People of This Country are Disgusted, 

This wont work Cowen we know you're trying to get away with it by resigning as leader of Fianna Fail but not as Taoiseach what are you saying that Fianna Fail is more important than the Country or the People well it's not it's just some stupid little boys club at this point and after the next election it won't even be that sure you can put Martin at the helm and try to salvage a few votes for 'New' Fianna Fail but at the end of the day it's the same old cronies and the same old policies Fianna Fail must be destroyed and perhaps then we can start to rebuild This Country but first we must end the political careers of Biffo and Bertie and Martin and the rest of the gobshites in FIANNA FAIL.

ANGLO BOOK RIGGING AGAIN

We the People of this Country are Disgusted,

Fool us once Sean Fitzpatrick shame on you fool us twice shame on you AND your cohort Brian Cowen but there's no wonder Seany was keeping so quiet for so long he made a quick buck out of the People of this Country with Anglo and as soon as that went belly up he was scheming for another way to get our money and thats why him and those shameless wankers from the Irish Times are spewing out this book they're calling it the Fitzpatrick Tapes even though its clearly a book what the hell are they going to call it when they put it on tape well it doesn't matter cause no one will be buying that rubbish the People even if you sell it for the iPad we don't care what you and that gobshite said on that round of golf we just want to see the both of you IN JAIL.

2010: Heroes and Villains

Dear Friends,

Here we are, at the end of the first year of this little project. We have at times had some laughs. But it's also fair to say that there have been times this year when we have become more angry than we ever thought possible. 2010 was by no one's standards a good year. It saw both the destruction of Irish sovereignty and the death of Irish hopes. From the Brian's to the Chilean Miners, we highlight ten people who defined this year, for good or ill.

Heroes

5) The Rubberbandits

A late incluson into the list, these Limerick based jokers proved that there is in fact no level of satire at which there will not be a moral panic on Joe Duffy's Liveline. They are just now reaching the apex of their popularity, as their lament 'Horse Outside' is slated to be Ireland's Christmas Number One (Editors note: Sadly, that awful Matt Cardle thing won instead). Not to mention their biggest fan, this fine fellow: 

The mustachioed former minister called them 'hilariously funny' and and that they filled him with 'great pride about the fact that two local lads, who are obviously very intelligent and very, very musically orientated and can be very, very funny, have the prospect of topping the charts at Christmas and beating the guy who won 'The X Factor'. An appearance on the Late Late Show, as well as a star turn explaining the intricacies of metaphor and satire to bewildered Liveline listeners, and Blindboy Boat Club and Mr.Chrome are on top of the world. 


Well, Limerick anyway.


4) Julian Assange 

This entry represents a startling 'chas timpeall' on the part of the People of this Country team. While Initially we felt that Mr.Assange and his Wikileaks were being reckless in their airing of various nations dirty laundry, and that people lives may be at risk, these fears turned out to be unfounded. Furthermore, the leaks implicated one Gerry Adams in the 2004 bank robbery. Now of course we all knew that the bold Gerry and his mate Martin were fully aware of this little caper, but it was extremely nice to see it all laid out in black and white. We tip our collective hats to you, Julian, even if you are in a spot of 'tribloid' with the law at the moment (or more accurately, with the CIA).

3) The Chilean Miners


Since the days of 9/11 we have had the phenomenon known as the rolling news story. Whether it's a flood, an earthquake or a coup you can always turn on Sky News to find that there is a story 'breaking' for about three weeks or so. Not until this wonderful tale was there such thing as a positive rolling story. As each one was lifted to safety (and book deals) the collective world cheered. Now there's a government that works.


2) Angry People 


From Pat Rabbitte to that fella in Canada. From cement mixers to cherry-pickers. From Liveline to the Frontline, the best People of this Country were those who just plain went mental. For a year of such awfulness, we saw precious little protest, and the only people who did protest were doing it out of their own self interest. The visceral anger was cathartic when it happened, and we need a lot more of it next year.


1) Mary Byrne 


The top spot had to be reserved for Ballyfermot's favourite daughter. In a year with so much bleakness and awful tidings Mary provided a glimmer of hope. Just a glimmer. I myself have never watched the X Factor, but I was assured by my colleague J. Murtagh that Mary was quote 'absolutely amazing so she was and there were people saying that she wasn't a good singer and that she wasn't cut out for this but she proved them wrong and fair play to Louis I dont normally like him but sure he's better than that Simon Cowell and don't get me started on Cheryl Cole...'. It continues in that vein for some time. WE wanted people to vote for mary, and they did, and here she is. I award her the Official People of This Country Gold Medal of Heroism for the year 2010. Hats off to this wonderful 'callín'.


Villains


5) The Guys who Killed the Kangaroo


Disgusting. Utterly disgusting. This was during that period of this year that Irish news went completely off the rails. Suddenly it was impossible to tell the Metro Herald from the Onion as tales of Animal abuse and insanity ran rampant in the Irish psyche. None was more disgraceful that this case, in which a number of men killed a kangaroo by feeding it ecstasy and alcohol at a deranged 'party'. What more can be said about this group of reprobates that has not already been splashed across countless tabloids. Scum. 


4) George Lee


Lest We Forget. It seems a long time ago now that little boy George decided that his big brother Enda wasn't letting him play with his toys, and walked the plank of the S.S. Fine Gael. Mixed metaphors aside, George Lee's journey from bust-predicting wonderboy to washed up never-been was both magnificently quick and painfully disillusioning. There will be no easy exits from this economic black pit we find ourselves in, and no Moses to bring us to any promised land. George's retreat to the safe haven of RTE proved that no matter how incompetent the current crop of politicians is, they are not about to be displaced by a weedy bespectacled interloper on holidays from his real job.


3) Everyone Except Mary Byrne on the X-Factor


Cher for getting voted ahead of Mary. Katie for being Katie. Matt for winning and still being shite. Rebecca for not winning when she should have. One Direction for their crude remarks to Matt. Simon for doubting Mary. Louis for calling everyone a star and not just Mary. The people for not voting for MARY.


2) Michael Lowry and Jackie Healy-Rae 


Some fiddled while Rome burned. Others tried to sell their buckets of water for a few pieces of silver. While this country went farther and farther down the tubes all these two CLOWNS cared about was their potholes and their Shanghai-on-Shannon Casinos. There were many this year who disgraced the office of TD but perhaps none more so than this pair of rural chancers who thought to prostitute their votes to the highest bidder. People of Kerry South, I implore you, when the little mini-me version of Jackie goes up this spring, send him and his flat cap back where they came from. 


1) The Brians


Lenihan and Cowen. Not since Laurel and Hardy have a couple made such an unholy bags of a job they were handed. What can you really say about Brian and Brian Eile? At the beginning of this year, things were bad. Now, things are far worse. In between there was the Magnificent Growing Bailout, The Eternal Corner Turn and of course, the country was pawned a few weeks ago. These two messers will go down as the worst partnership in the country's history, and even now they cling to power like the political barnacles that they are. Out out out the country cries, but still we are stuck in a bizarre interregnum, in which a government with support in single digits still holds sway. A spring election will deliver its verdict, but until then, we must wait. 


(J.Murtagh provided additional coverage)

GERRY RYAN COCAINE CLIMATE THAW

We the People of this Country are Disgusted,

Ah here now the papers today are shouting that Gerry Ryan died of a cocaine overdose and that may well be true but the man has been dead for ages now would you not leave him in peace and I know he was obnoxious and an idiot to do cocaine but surely he's paid the ultimate price and theres no need to plaster his face all over the red tops and sure it's just like that Katie French one except that this time we're practically digging up the man to start our moralizing at him and sure it was great to see a bit of a thaw in the weather just like there was a thaw at that climate conference and sure I don't understand it but it sounds good and the only problem is that theres more snow for next week so maybe we need a bit of climate change here anyway whats for sure is we need a change of government they say that Fianna Fail have given Cowen a vote of confidence well I don't care if Fianna Fail supported Hitler it doesn't mean he has the support of the Country or the People or anyone at all.

A Poem, for these dark times.

Good afternoon dear friends. I have returned to you. I wish to share with you a poem, an excerpt from my latest poetry collection: 'Tis Pity She's a Fianna Fail Voter', which will be available from TOD Publishing in time for Christmas. You may not agree with my 'meter' but surely you will agree with the sentiment. I hope you enjoy.

'The Big Freeze.'

The sneactha is falling,

It covers the land.

Our loss of sovereignty galling,

But we need the helping hand.

No man of any party,

Of any creed or race,

Can save us from the bailouts,

Can help us save face.

For the Bankers and the developers,

The Brians one and and all,

Have destroyed this fair Island,

A fate none can stall.

If Ber Cowen were alive today

If his ghost could rise once more,

I know not what he would say,

to see the youth gone by the score.

But his son is the one who doomed us,

This we must not forget,

Some say to throw him under a bus,

Some shake their heads in regret.

The Big Freeze sets in,

There is no end in sight,

There is no way to win,

And this year was frankly shite.

PROTEST MARCH KOREA SNOW

We the People of this Country are Disgusted,

On the streets today the People expressed their anger with the government and Brian Cowen and the rest of them chancers who are putting us under a prison sentence of 6.7% that we'll never pay off and our children's children will still be hammering away at the 92% High Cost Fund Surcharge Maxi Tax in order to pay back the 200 BILLION that we've pawned the country to the IMF for and sure the march was great but what wasn't great was that chancer David Begg you champagne socialist you lay down with Fianna Fail during the boom times and you make a ridiculous wage you should be shunted out along with the rest of them and it's terrible to see us on the front page of every international paper and the only thing to knock us off was the Koreans at each other and god I hope it doesn't turn into something worse that last thing we need is another war and that might be even worse than 13 years under Fianna Fail and things are so bad that the weather has started to copy the mood of the country and Jesus isn't it well cold and just as I'm saying this it's started to snow outside well pretty soon we'll have revolution and war and the overthrow of the government and it'll be exactly like that film Dr.Zhivago.

FOUR YEAR PLAN SPECIAL

We the People of This Country are Disgusted,

Occasionally there comes a time when the combined and undirected rage of the People comes together into a focused beam of anger and tonight the target is the four year plan ah here now lads this is the final nail in the coffin of Fianna Fail as if it wasn't enough that that chancer Bertie took us to the brink of the cliff and Cowen pushed us off now he's kicking our lifeless corpse and the stuff that's in this plan would make you vomit up your macaroon bars they're talking about cutting a euro off the minimum wage well that may not sound like a lot to you Mr.Cowen with your fourteen pensions and your ministerial cars but a euro an hour is a big deal when you're living on the breadline and they're now TAXING these people again so they have you coming and going and there's a lot of talk about the minimum wage how about a MAXIMUM WAGE BRIAN how about you take some of this pain you were talking about but you never will you bloody corrupt awful thing you're taxing people to oblivion you're cutting people's pay you're slashing services you're DESTROYING THIS COUNTRY and we the People will vote you and your rotten party out of existence if we have any backbone at all you need to get out get out get out NOW not March not January NOW.

GREENS PULL OUT ELECTION LOOMS

We the People of This Country are Disgusted,

Finally after two years of making excuses and hiding behind their windmills the Greens aren't supporting Fianna Fail anymore and we might get an election in January but Cowen still thinks he'll last til February or March and no you won't Mr.Cowen you need to LEAVE NOW you're not wanted anymore you've lost the support of the People you've lost the support of the Greens you've even lost the support of your own party you're the worst Taoiseach this country has ever had bar none and that's saying something you awful eejit you need to feck off back to whatever hole you came from you're party is about to be destroyed and it's game over the jig is up you need to LEAVE.

'Ireland's Sovereignty is Dead and Gone, It's With Ahern in the Cupboard.'

Dear Friends,

I know that I previously stated that I would 'stay out of the way' and let the wise words of Peter and J. wash over you but there comes a time when one can no longer 'stay silent'.

As I write this, 'high-ups' in the EU and the IMF sit in Leinster House, pulling the reins of government, as Brian Cowen and the rest of his Fianna Fáil cronies bow down to outside influence, and sacrifice the hard won sovereignty that we have held for the last 'hocht blian'. What follows now is a situation too dark to contemplate.

And yet contemplate it we must, for we are about to live this nightmare. What awful measures will be exercised by the faceless Eurocrats who now hold sway over this beautiful republic? Will our gloriously low corporation tax, 'an cáin chorporáide', enshrined in De Valera's constitution all those years ago, be forced to cruelly high European standards? Will they cut public sector pay, crudely and inexpertly? Most importantly, what of the Irish Language?

Our proud and noble gaeilge has long been a thorn in the side of the EU. They fear and mistrust this lilting tongue, trapped as they are in their guttural dialects. I, as a guardian and protector of our native Irish, will lay down my life, my very life, in it's defence. The 'Cead Míle Failte's' wil ring out over this land until the end of time.

But really the EU are merely bit players in this weeks farce. We cannot blame those outsiders for a problem which originated within these shores. I bear no real ill will towards the European Union, not in the face of the terrible monsters that lie much closer to home.

Certain trinities, triumvirates if you will, spring to mind. Insidious tripods holding up the demons of corruption, gombeenism and despair. Not least The Bankers, The Developers and Fianna Fáil. Not Forgetting Fianna Fáil, The PDs and The Greens. But none worse than Bertie Ahern, Charlie McCreevy and Brian Cowen.

McCreevy, the man who defied the advice of the sensible men of Europe, cutting taxes and deregulating until the banks were as free as a bird to gamble with the money of the People in their insidious little casino on Merrion Street. He deserves more scorn than he gets, that much is certain.

Cowen, who even at this late stage, as he goes down as the worst Taoiseach in history, the man who sold Ireland, will not apologise. He retains the arrogance that was his hallmark during his reign as Finance Minister. Enough words have been spent in the national media about this pathetic, shambling, half-drunk dunce of a man.

But we must focus our attentions on the true culprit. One Bartholomew 'Bertie' Ahern. Leaving aside for the minute his gross corruption, his 'lack' of a bank account, his ludicrous stories of winning money on horses, let us place the weight of the blame upon his shoulders. This man 'led' the country for eleven long years. Under his tenure we went from a well regulated, sensible economy, on the up from a flood of American investment, to a bloated, under-taxed false boom country, about to fall off the precipice that he led us to the very brink of. Nothing speaks louder than his comments near the end of his tenure, his response to those who dared to question his insane policies:

It is not fair to tar all politicians with this same brush. Some in the opposition, though far from perfect, are at least honest, decent people. Deputy Rabbitte's thundering denouncement of the government this week warmed my heart to no end.

So on this saddest of days, in the blackest of weeks, in the worst of years I give you my endorsement for the General Election which is sure to come. It is simply this: Anyone But Fianna Fáil. I care not if you vote for the Irish equivalent of the Nation of Islam, as long as you don't ever give this fetid, corruption-marinated, idiotic, borderline insane crowd of smug self-satisfied arseholes another chance, in my life or yours.

Yours, with great sorrow,

Thómáis Ó Donnághchínnéitígdh.

BOND YIELDS CHEESE AGAIN

We the People of This Country are Disgusted,

Turning on the radio in the mornings you could be forgiven for getting confused between the Irish bond yields and Cowen's approval rating well I tell you I'm surprised at how high both of them are sure isn't the country about to go bust and the only people we can borrow from are those fellas who send you dodgy emails from foreign places and everyones saying that we can't pay the debt and isn't that one Merkel going on about how Ireland is in the toilet but sure we owe her a lot shes holding the country together with both hands and sure isn't Germany doing well but thats because they never had Fianna Fail to ruin their boom with the corruption and the cronyism and that awful Charlie McCreevy with his tax cuts well you can't cut taxes and increase spending you big thick smug mentaller you should have been sent packing back in 1998 and sure it's a terrible pity we voted out John Bruton sure there was an honest man who did good him and Ruari Quinn ran the country well and just because they tried to put a tax on children's shoes and look at the fellas we put in instead led by that scoundrel Bertie and the deregulating arseholes the PDs although poor Harney was attacked again and there were eejits throwing cheese at her and I know the cheese thing was off the wall but thats no excuse to start lashing Charleville at the poor woman even if she is supporting FIANNA FAIL.

CHEESE BY-ELECTION STORM

We the People of This Country are Disgusted,

Ah here come on now is the government trying to be ridiculous they come out with a plan to give free cheese to poor people well you must be joking me the People of This Country not able to afford Christmas presents for the kids because of Fianna Fail and Cowen and now he tells us it'll be alright because he's giving us cheese well you can sod off with your cheese you big ignorant thick and sure the People are about to deliver their verdict in Donegal but where are the other three elections and wheres the general election Cowen the People want you out of office and at least that McDaid had the decency to bow out but sure isn't he getting an awful big pension well you'll all be on pensions now because we're voting you out and there's a storm about to hit Dublin but it's nothing compared to the storm that'll hit FIANNA FAIL.

PACKIE BONNER EURO GAGA WEDDING CAKE

 

We the People of this Country are Disgusted,

 

So Lady Gaga is after having a wedding cake in Dublin sure it's awful decadent and disgusting to be charging people so much to see her perform and then to be gorging on that and with no husband to show for it but people seem to like her all the same and in any case she's not like that crook Cowen telling us that we won't be a having a referendum on the Euro that's all well and good for you Mr Cowen but maybe that's what the People of this Country want you wouldn't have a clue because you've never asked them and now Fianna Fail want to get Packie Bonner elected in Donegal well he may have saved that penalty by the Romanians in Italia 90 but it's not Italia 90 any more its Eire 2010 and with the amount of people leaving the country we wouldn't mind letting in a few more Romanians.

NAMA BAILOUT NATIONAL GOVERNMENT CHILEAN MINERS MILLENNIUM CANDLES

We the People of This Country are Disgusted,

It was only a few days ago that all this bollocks we were getting from the Greens about an all party conference looked about as likely as Cowen giving up the drink but now its all we hear and sure isn't it the greatest bollocks we don't need a national government we need a general election sure I'm no fan of that Enda but he should be given a fair shot at it and we don't want everyone there just sitting down and agreeing and sure isn't it just another way of the Fianna Fail cronies to hang onto power as long as they can and then retire on their seven pensions as they're laughing at us and wasn't it fantastic to see all that about the miners and they're out and sure that's a government that knows it's priorities bailing out the miners instead of the banks and you wouldn't get that sort of thing here all you'd get is bailouts and NAMA and the Lisbon Treaty and fucking Millennium Candles sent around to every house.

NAMA BAILOUT MORTAR ATTACK

We the People of This Country are Disgusted,

And now look here someones crashed a cement mixer into the gates of the dail and sure theres no point in wrecking the dail sure isnt it in this country and they've already destroyed this country and sure they put 'Anglo Toxic Bank' on the side and that doesn't even make sense at all anglo didn't bring down the government because they're spineless and they dont have an honest bone between them and sure you could have hurt someone and they're calling it Cementgate which is fair enough and its more realistic to think you could destroy the government with a cement mixer than the governments plans to get 300,000 extra jobs from overseas they're not like dodgy ciggarettes Brian you cant just sneak jobs through immigration.

NAMA BAILOUT SEANY FIANNA FAIL ECONOMY TURNAROUND

We the People of This Country are Disgusted,

I think it's fair to say we've hit a new low in this country sure aren't the sacked ministers getting a 25 grand bailout on our dime and sure aren't they being paid for incompetence and cronyism and destroying this country and aren't we now paying the very people who wronged us in the first place and sure look at Seany today he says he only makes a tenner a week but sure the wife has a load of money shoved under the bed and sure he wont go hungry not like the ordinary decent people who are out of a job because of his gambling with the money of the People of This Country and Fianna Fail and Lenihan would have us believe that we've had some sort of remarkable turnout well it is remarkable that we cant beg borrow or steal the money we need to keep this country running and they're talking about a double dip recession which will only hurt the people more and sure theres no cause for celebration in this country you cant turn on the news without finding something new to be depressed about and sure there was a time when we were poor but happy and now we're poor again but were not happy thats for sure.

COWEN DRUNK NAMA BAILOUT GAY MARRIAGE

We the People of This Country are Disgusted,

Ah we've hit a new low now isn't the leader of the country Brian Cowen turning up locked on the radio or hungover or whatever well he sounded rough in any case and they say he had had 8 pints and thats all very well and good if you're working in a office and you just have to hold out until lunchtime when you can have a bit of a kip in the breakroom but when you're leader of the country things are a bit different and you cant be at that when the bailouts are raging as they clearly are you're not at the races you're not playing the game and that Coveney fella was right to call him out as being off his hat while trying to convince us of why we should put more billions into Anglo and Seany's pockets and sure didn't we have a survey saying that the People support gay marriage and sure of course we do and sure we don't care if you're gay straight or otherwise as long as you don't vote Fianna Fail and you're not a banker or a developer and sure it wasn't the gays who ruined this country no matter what the IONA institute would have you believe bunch of moralizing chancers to a man.

ENDA KENNY NAMA BAILOUT FINE GAEL TRIGGS ALIVE

We the People of This Country are Disgusted,

So now we hear from that spineless wimp Enda that he'll take 10 years to fix This Country well Enda you might not even get 1 year you arrogant piece of shite if you don't get your act together The People wont vote for you thats not to say that they'll vote for Fianna Fail bunch of chancers wont get my vote ever again and neither will the Greens they should have pulled out long ago when they still had a scrap of decency to them and I don't care if they built a few windmills they stood idly by when the bailouts were in force and that John Gormless doesn't have enough brains to fill one of those Eco bulbs they keep forcing us to use and it turns out that Triggs is alive praise God but you scared the living daylights out of poor Roy Keane and sure hasn't he enough problems without saying his poor dog is dead and he's not half as dead as the Irish banking system and that robber Cowen is now saying we wont know the full cost until October well some of us cant just wait around and hope everything is alright Brian some of us have jobs and families and if you're not careful you might be turfed out in favour of Enda and then where will we be?